Relationships

“When all you have is a hammer…”

“…Everything looks like a nail.”

Maybe you’ve heard this saying.

It refers to a pattern of stuckness and limited thinking in which we rely too heavily on a particular approach to something.

I think it applies well to all kinds of problems in all kinds of relationships.

Guys in particular will tend to stubbornly swing and whack away with what we know. Usually it’s one or two things we learned watching our parents or other important caregivers. (Sadly, that’s pretty much the extent of our relationship education!)

Arguing. Fighting. Defending. Avoiding. Withdrawing. Shutting down.

Whatever it is, eventually you may find yourself nailed by your own limited relationship toolbox.

Relationships are challenging for everyone.

People are complicated.

Put two or more people in close connection — also known as “relationships” — and that complexity increases exponentially.

So, naturally, relationships are tough.

Repeated struggles and perceived failures with these complications can lead to a lifestyle of painful loneliness and even hopelessness.

The answer, then, isn’t a bigger or better hammer; it’s a bigger and better set of tools.

Doing your best… and wanting more.

There’s another great quote that applies to most of us in relationships.

It is often attributed to the poet Maya Angelou and is paraphrased: “If we knew better, we’d do better.”

It captures the delicate balance between limitation, acceptance and change.

This intersection is often the starting point for working on healthier relationships.

Genuine acceptance of yourself and what you know. Humble recognition of those limitations. And a strong desire for the better that you deserve.

Great relationships require more tools.

The first tool you need in your expanded relationship toolbox is a good mirror.

One that isn’t clouded, cracked, or warped.

One that lets you see yourself clearly: your wants, your needs, your habits, and your worth.

As those things get clearer, all your relationships will improve.

You will experience healthy conflict, instead of toxic bullying or feeling beat down.

You will set better boundaries, so you can experience closeness and connection without so many unnecessary let downs of disappointment, or the agony of betrayal.

Better relationships lead to a better life.

With relationship therapy, you’ll come to possess the relational equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife or one of those cool Leatherman multipurpose tools, switching seamlessly between the various the various tools you need to meet the ever-changing relationship moments. (My favorite was always those tiny little spring-loaded scissors!)

You’ll even know when and how to properly use the relational equivalent of your hammer.

And then you’ll find that as your relationships go, so goes your life.

Better connections with others lead directly to a higher quality of life day to day — and a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment in the long term.

So don’t just wait and hope for a great relationship.

Call me for a free 15-minute consultation to talk about how we can work together to move you to a place of joy in your relationships and your life again. Call me at (512) 783-4508 or complete the contact form below.