Codependency.
This term comes up quite a bit in therapy.
I find codependency to be one of the more slippery terms in psychology and personal growth.
It’s exact definition is one of those “depends who you ask” or “depends what you read” deals.
The strict, old-school definition is derived from the 12-step recovery movement. In that model, a codependent person is someone caught in an unhealthy relationship with someone with an addiction.
Codependency more broadly can refer to any lopsided relationship in which a person is overly dependent on the well-being or approval of another.
Most of my clients who mention codependency are often not dealing with anyone with an addiction.
In some cases they are not even in a relationship at the moment.
So, how do we work on the issue?
I usually start by tweaking it a bit.
We discuss over-dependence vs. codependence.
In this context, overdependence simply refers to any person or thing on which you rely too heavily for your own sense of worth and well-being.
In this context, you can be over-dependent on just about anything.
That may sound like bad news.
But it’s not.
Because it creates a clear path to healing.
Here’s the common sticking point I find for most people working on this issue:
They are furiously focusing on DECREASING their dependence on the unhealthy fixation: a partner, work, alcohol, video games, origami, whatever…
The path out of that loop — and into greater overall health and life satisfaction — is to INCREASE their healthy focus on other things in life.
“Things” — plural. As in, more than one.
This is where I introduce the practice I like to call “Diversify Your Pie.”
You’re probably familiar with pie charts from math class.
When was the last time you pie’d your life?
Draw a circle. That’s your life. That’s 100%.
Now, start carving out slices for the things you focus on and invest your most precious resources in: time, money, thoughts, feelings, energy, etc.
Keep cutting up slices and assigning percentages.
Be as honest as you can.
Intentionally diversifying your pie in this way can prevent the slow slide into over-dependence on any one (or two) people or things.
And that often means less stress and more enjoyment.
